understanding why

Why? the one word I seemed to have questioned close to everyday lately.
-why did I not get accepted into Appalachian?
-why did I choose to not play college basketball?
-why did I choose Western?
-why did I meet these people who know seem to not even care about me?
-why is it I leave Raleigh every weekend in tears because I'm only happy being there?
-why do I push people away that seem to care for me more than I thought?
-why do I use such harsh words when people only want to help and be there?
-why haven't I learned what it is I really want to do?
-why am I so afraid to be cared for?
-why haven't I heard back from NC State or Meredith yet?
-why is it so hard to be so far away from the people I care about the most?
and
-why am I complete utter bitch to the people I care for the most (excuse the language mama and papa bear)

I can sit here and question every little aspect of my life, ask myself why and give some stupid reason behind every one of my anxious thoughts. but the only thing I've learned that is true is timing and the Lord's plan.

I have been home almost every weekend since I have been back from Christmas break because I have felt most cared for by the people back at home, whether it be my parents, my friends at state, the people at madhouse and tapestry, the new people I meet at mojoes at 12 am when eating burgers or the people that meet me for the first time only because of mutual friends and they want to know me for me. These days are great but when Sundays come around I have to make a long haul back to school when its 400 miles of my own thoughts, and driving on roads for 160 miles straight, rounding what I called Pissed Off Curve and having to walk into what feels like an empty room where 4 walls surround me and my feelings.

WHY? why do i have to feel so much happiness to only come back and feel the same as I did three days ago before I went home?

should I be bitter, NO. should I trust in gods plan and timing, YES.  over the last couple of weeks I have lost sight of what it is I think the lord was trying to tell me through going home on the weekends, being here in Cullowhee away from my comfort zone and having to be comfortable being uncomfortable in my own thoughts. I have learned it is completely OK to be alone because in those times of what feels like weakness because those are really the times where you should be in constant communication with the lord. With going home he has taught me of community and has shown me the people who care and want to be there for me. Those people are the ones who constantly talk to me through the week bringing constant encouragement and love. My parents call me and check on me and tell me to find a sense of happiness while I am here, they have been so supportive and have done so much to make me feel comfortable here.

Like I said in the beginning I had all these questions of why? well I didn't get in to App because the lord didn't feel that was where i should attend college. I decided not to play basketball because the Lord wanted me to see my identity wasn't in how good of a player I was but rather my identity was him, and I am here at Western because the Lord wanted me to see that in order for anything to happen I needed to put my full trust in the Lord and to finally realize things about myself and learn to be there for myself. For me to have this great community back at home that is constantly praying for me and supporting me. I haven't treated some people in the best way lately nor the way they have deserved to be treated, my bitterness has come out and I took it out on the people that only wanted to care. To those people if you're reading this, well I am sorry and please know that I psych myself out in knowing that some people can care so much for me.

It is so hard to wake up some days and feel like its a constant repeated cycle of class, and 3 degree weather, and coffee after coffee. But I know that through this I am finding comfort in prayer and one on one time with the lord because he knows my heart and his timing and plans are in my best interest.

[but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."] 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9