time.

december 6, 2014 - 12:25 pm eastern standard time
location- morning times.

my current view is exposed brick, a man reading his kindle, and the journal in my lap that not only has seen its days but also has coffee stains, pictures, and letters from my wanderlust friends. today since its rainy, cloudy and cold i decided to run away from the idea of studying and to go downtown and journal and drink coffee. morning times was busy and when i finally got in line i heard the conversations of the kids behind me. one girl mentioned how she was called to jury duty on her birthday and as she was complaining her friend said "it cant be that bad you're getting paid for it". the girl butted in on that to make the remark "time is money so i better be paid for this". since my phone was dead and i was very into the idea of ease-dropping i listened closely. i was filled with not only rage, but also disappointment by what that girl said. since when did money become the thing that drives us?

when i was journaling i saw the innocence of the little kids in front of me. i walked by them at first and the little girl cracked a smile at me. i sat down in a corner near them and started to journal. there was a table of them- four adults an seven little kids. when they got ready to leave the parents started helping get the jackets on the kids. one little girl anxiously jumped up and down so she could hug her little friend bye. she didn't care about a thing except that moment in time. and i think that's how it should be. to take in the moment and drive on that. not the worldly things the people around us tell us that are important. 

ironically i was reading through my blue book and in my reflection for the day it said "we are too prone, too conditioned to listen for all the other voices that urge me to go here, or do that or get done this mandate, we sometimes think. but then we also long for that other voices"

a year ago i was driven on living in the fast lane..literally. i was hell on wheels and tried to do as much as i could because i thought i had to right in that moment. what did that lead to? lies, hurting people, being gone all the time from my family and not to mention a major speeding ticket that i got because i lied. i was driven on doing all i could in that exact moment. after the ticket and basically feeling like a major failure for all that had happened i left for two and a half months for maine. there i was away from family like i had been all my first year at school. this time it was different- i learned not only that i cant live up to the expectations everyone holds me to but also that i am in no way perfect. i had to slow down and understand god's timing in things. i had a wake up call. 

i called my dad while i was in maine on a rainy day when i was stuck in the office. i was talking to him about going to boston on my three days off that the staff got. he told me one thing- "your life starts today"- he told me to learn from the past but don't let it hold you down. that your life starts here, now, in this moment and to take full advantage of that. 

i want a small house, the person i love, a ten-speed bike to ride around on, coffee every morning, to experience different cultures and to take photos and hear stories of the people around me. i don't want to live on a money basis where that is what drives me; but to rather grow in my faith, and to love well. 

if money, peoples opinions and expectations of others didn't exist- what would you be doing? what would make you happy?

[trust your journey]

I made a quick improv trip this Wednesday for fall break down to Aiken, South Carolina. It reminded me of Cullowhee except less rain and more people. Since moving back from Maine I have found that Raleigh is crazy, and State is hard yet rocking my world. Going down to Aiken was just the escape I needed- a break from papers, hustle and bustle of Raleigh, and it was a chance to see good people. I hung out with my friend Jenna who made my quick trip so fun- we made a road-trip to Columbia to the state fair full of fried oreos and conversations and we both fell for Greenville at Fall for Greenville- whether it was the local food, coffee underground, or the band playing right in the midst of everything. In Greenville I met Jenna's friend Ashley who I came to find to be my kindred spirit. Let me just say one thing, this was the first time I had met Ash and she let me look at her tumbler, which was a big step for us in our friendship. I saw on her page the words [trust your journey], when I asked why those were the words she used she told me that you have to trust whatever God is gonna bring you through, that your journey is that way for a reason. It was the most honest truth I have heard in THREE words. 

black coffee, rain storms and spotify have consumed my tuesday morning in Raleigh but I am thankful for trips that bring refreshment to the start of a new week and new opportunities. 

move forward

&

trust your journey

tuesday and the pack.

As I sit here with my second cup of coffee and trying to tell myself that my bank statement can't be that low I have come to realization that my first year of college is at its end. A week from today I will be back at home in Raleigh only to stay there for school at NC State University in the fall (who would have thought). A year ago if you told me I would have been at NC State I probably would have laughed in your face. I was ready to leave, ready for mountains, new people, and I was ready to find out who I really was as my own person without anybody else telling me what I should be doing. My first year of college was one that made a big impact on where I was, who I am, and where I am going; sometimes even more than I want to admit. I will remember the hiking, the drives to Asheville for a burger with Kevin, running out of gas on a mountain, the tattoos, the late night talks at lookout, long drives home, sitting in Starbucks with people talking, Tucks on a Thursday night, the tears, the phone calls home to mom and dad, late night text messages with my best friend being 400 miles away and finally understanding some of this crazy life. I have seen Jesus do some crazy things with me being here at Western. He has placed some crazy people in my life (some of them actually being crazy, hehe) and other just being there for me when Jesus knew I needed them.

My heart is anxious for what is to come, and sometimes it doesn't truly feel like everything that has gone on has only been within a year. To come to Western, to then decide to transfer to NC State.

I recently read an article that hit me square in the face about realizing out anxieties, and becoming aware of the worries we have in our lives that distract us from what is important, and it calls us to trust Jesus.
"Jesus also invites us to become aware of the anxiety in the middle of our life. He urges us to see the distraction inherent in our self-important doing. And out of awareness Jesus reminds us that we have choices. We can adjust the to-do list. We can let go of the self-justifying doing. We can risk and trust that Jesus receives us when good enough is all we have in us. But many of us are so addicted to doing that we cannot imagine centering our lives in something as impractical as what Mary chooses."

As much as I wish I knew what was going to happen in my life after I leave here well I don't know. But I think that is what makes it all worth it. This year I have learned to be more like Mary. To sit at the feet of Jesus and to listen, to forget about impressing others and trying to be perfect for everyone. And for now I will continue sit at the feet of Jesus and let him have control.

While I am currently writing my life away and dying of some sinus infection, I am happy to say a week from today I'll be in Raleigh... For Good.

understanding why

Why? the one word I seemed to have questioned close to everyday lately.
-why did I not get accepted into Appalachian?
-why did I choose to not play college basketball?
-why did I choose Western?
-why did I meet these people who know seem to not even care about me?
-why is it I leave Raleigh every weekend in tears because I'm only happy being there?
-why do I push people away that seem to care for me more than I thought?
-why do I use such harsh words when people only want to help and be there?
-why haven't I learned what it is I really want to do?
-why am I so afraid to be cared for?
-why haven't I heard back from NC State or Meredith yet?
-why is it so hard to be so far away from the people I care about the most?
and
-why am I complete utter bitch to the people I care for the most (excuse the language mama and papa bear)

I can sit here and question every little aspect of my life, ask myself why and give some stupid reason behind every one of my anxious thoughts. but the only thing I've learned that is true is timing and the Lord's plan.

I have been home almost every weekend since I have been back from Christmas break because I have felt most cared for by the people back at home, whether it be my parents, my friends at state, the people at madhouse and tapestry, the new people I meet at mojoes at 12 am when eating burgers or the people that meet me for the first time only because of mutual friends and they want to know me for me. These days are great but when Sundays come around I have to make a long haul back to school when its 400 miles of my own thoughts, and driving on roads for 160 miles straight, rounding what I called Pissed Off Curve and having to walk into what feels like an empty room where 4 walls surround me and my feelings.

WHY? why do i have to feel so much happiness to only come back and feel the same as I did three days ago before I went home?

should I be bitter, NO. should I trust in gods plan and timing, YES.  over the last couple of weeks I have lost sight of what it is I think the lord was trying to tell me through going home on the weekends, being here in Cullowhee away from my comfort zone and having to be comfortable being uncomfortable in my own thoughts. I have learned it is completely OK to be alone because in those times of what feels like weakness because those are really the times where you should be in constant communication with the lord. With going home he has taught me of community and has shown me the people who care and want to be there for me. Those people are the ones who constantly talk to me through the week bringing constant encouragement and love. My parents call me and check on me and tell me to find a sense of happiness while I am here, they have been so supportive and have done so much to make me feel comfortable here.

Like I said in the beginning I had all these questions of why? well I didn't get in to App because the lord didn't feel that was where i should attend college. I decided not to play basketball because the Lord wanted me to see my identity wasn't in how good of a player I was but rather my identity was him, and I am here at Western because the Lord wanted me to see that in order for anything to happen I needed to put my full trust in the Lord and to finally realize things about myself and learn to be there for myself. For me to have this great community back at home that is constantly praying for me and supporting me. I haven't treated some people in the best way lately nor the way they have deserved to be treated, my bitterness has come out and I took it out on the people that only wanted to care. To those people if you're reading this, well I am sorry and please know that I psych myself out in knowing that some people can care so much for me.

It is so hard to wake up some days and feel like its a constant repeated cycle of class, and 3 degree weather, and coffee after coffee. But I know that through this I am finding comfort in prayer and one on one time with the lord because he knows my heart and his timing and plans are in my best interest.

[but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."] 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."

There are not enough words in the world to describe my best friend, she has the most humbling heart and her love for the Lord is seriously the most influential thing. My first encounter with Sarah was on the bus to Elon for basketball camp my freshmen year of high school. I was the girl in the front with her hair in a bun, music playing and a bunch of bracelets on my wrist. My hair tie broke and that's when I had one of many awkward but amazing run-ins with Sarah. Years later Sarah brought up that first time we met and continued to tell me she debated with the girl in the seat next to her whether to give me an extra hair tie. I can say that from that day Sarah has always been there and I have seen her grow into such an amazing daughter of a king. I have seen her relationship grow and strengthen with the lord over the years and I have seen her love people so well. She has gone out to serve in places out of her comfort zone where if anyone knows her she doesn't like uncomfortable awkward situations. Sarah has inspired me so much and has been bold and honest with me when it has come to our struggles and our relationship with the lord. Over the years we have pushed each other to pursue the Lord in all we do and now being 400 miles away from her while she is a part of the Pack she is still constantly encouraging me everyday. Coffee dates are some of the most honest moments for us when we are together. she is bold, upfront and tells me of things she's learned, prayed about and struggled with and she is always bringing constant encouragement and advice. Tomorrow is a big day for my best friend back in Raleigh. She will be placed on a Young Life team as a leader and I am so excited for her. Young Life brought us so close in high school and was one of the biggest influences in both our walks. I cant wait to see her love her girls so well and show them what a life with Christ is like. 

To my sweet friend Sarah, I wish you luck and I am praying for you.  I cant wait to see where the lord places you in Raleigh and how you will help bring girls to Christ. 

To our coffee dates, kayak trips, devos and conversations to finally getting a two arm embrace hug. I am so thankful for you. 

[an iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend]

just show up.

I have experienced some amazing things while on break and with being back just a week. 

-best coffee dates of my life.

-hikes up whiteside mountain.

-20 minute drives for coffee.

-NYC with my sweet momma.

-family christmas.

-meeting an amazing group of new people, and finding great community. 

-mat kearney concerts.

the only way to explain these last couple of weeks are through pictures. so here ya go. 

if you were to ask me anything that i've learned over these last couple of months, it would be to just show up. to be uncomfortable, to make the effort and to be there for yourself and for everyone else.

i am so excited to see where the lord takes me in this new year, to see the challenges he gives me, the experiences and adventures i will have and the people that he puts in my life. 

Offer your presence to those around you, even when it’s difficult—especially when it’s difficult.