I am weak.

I looked though my photos today from my experience in Colorado a year ago. sitting next to me was one of my friends and she looked at the photos and said to me "Sydney you look so different", in what way I asked; She said to me "You look happy there". Its Eleven at night and I am sitting in Starbucks trying to study but the one thing on my heart is the words "You look happy there", like what? 

I am unhappy, because I know I am not the person I used to be. A year ago I was the happiest I had ever been because I was surrounded with people who loved the lord, wanted to know me for me, cared to hear my stories and who honestly saw me how the Lord saw me, as a daughter of the King. When I think of that time in Colorado I think of that as the real world, how the world should be, and the world outside of my time there as a fantasy world, that I am stuck in.

I strived my whole life to be this person who was perfect in every single way. I strived to be the best sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter and friend. What I found was that I wasn't perfect in any way. The one thing that has made me who I am through my whole life was Jesus. 

I am being honest in saying that I want to have that hunger and thirst for the Lord that I had. Before I left for college I was mad at the world, lost some of the best friendships I had, took my anger out on my parents with words, and would think to myself, "I can't wait to leave". I take those words back because what I have found in the past month that I have been away, is that I am weak.

I have learned a lot about myself in these past weeks and especially in the last couple of days that I want people to see Jesus through me and know that I am a daughter of the King. I have not shown that lately and I hate myself for that because if Jesus could come here and die for me, shouldn't I live for him? YES.